 Newsletter
- September 2001
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Acute Stress Disorder: How Can I Help Others
Probably the most important thing you can do to help someone who
is suffering from an acute stress disorder is to listen and then
listen again. Someone with an acute stress disorder needs to tell
his story over and over again, and then over and over again to get
past the denial and the emotional numbness that we all use to protect
ourselves from overwhelming events and feelings. When people say
"just listen," they underestimate how demanding and challenging
listening can be.
Listen, don't spew comforting words
When we hear anyone talk about something dangerous and threatening,
we feel anxious. We feel even more anxious when a loved one is upset
and emotionally out of control. We want to fix the unfixable and
ease their pain. After a trauma, the event must be processed. Processing
painful memories and the emotions they evoke means that we must
share the person's temporary helplessness, hopelessness and worthlessness.
These depressive feelings also arouse our anxiety. When we try to
say something comforting, the person probably will not feel understood
and may withdraw or get angry at how we seem to minimize the horror
of the trauma.
There are no magic words, and clichés will backfire. Beware
of saying:
"It could be a lot worse."
"She's better off now."
"Don't talk like that. You'll lick this in no time."
"What were you doing there so late at night?"
"You'll get over it."
"I know how you feel...when I..."
"God must love you or he wouldn't give you this burden."
You may desperately want to find some comforting words, but there
are none. Telling a person to stop feeling so badly only communicates
that the feelings are too intense for you to handle, that there
is something wrong with her and that she will have to go it alone.
It helps to become aware of your own history of loss and trauma
so you can be alert to emotions that might be particularly difficult
for you to deal with. When these emotions surface, remind yourself
to listen, stay with the person and be a big ear, not a big mouth.
Your quiet presence is what the person needs most.
Reach out and touch, help
 When
you don't know what to say and want to do something besides listening,
try tapping the power of touch. Unless you know the person well,
you may want to ask permission to hold his hands, put your arm around
his shoulders or stroke his hair. You also can help him in practical
ways.
Trauma disorients, disorganizes and drains the survivor. Look for
things you can do and ask if you can do it for him. Many times what
you can do has nothing to do with the trauma. The tasks of everyday
living may be too much to manage for the victim. Even if he can
go through the motions of doing them, your help speaks of your support
in concrete ways. Bring a meal or dessert, do the dishes, mow the
lawn, feed the pets, make coffee, contact friends, vacuum or water
the plants.
As time passes, loneliness often sets in as family and friends move
on to new crises and everyday events. Recovery is a long journey.
It is important to check in frequently. It also helps to invite
the victim to pleasant events or ask him to join you for a meal.
Helping a Child
When a child suffers trauma, extra time to look, listen and touch
are needed. The younger the child, the more we may need to watch
her play and ask questions about what the dolls and tin soldiers
are doing to one another.
Book reading and storytelling related to the trauma can be very
helpful. Ask the child to tell a story. If the story ends badly
and the characters are anxious and depressed, show your appreciation
for the interesting characters and plot that the child has created.
Then explain that you would like to take a turn and retell the story
with a different ending. Stories speak to the unconscious in very
powerful ways.
If you are a parent of a teen with an acute stress disorder, be
aware that he may respond better to uncles or aunts and neighbors
or scout leaders. An adolescent with the disorder is seeking independence
just when such a trauma makes him feel very helpless and dependent.
Self-help and therapy groups of fellow trauma sufferers also are
ways to help a child, especially a teen.
Helping an Adult
If your spouse has an acute stress disorder, you may feel rejected
because your spouse is detached and unaffectionate. Remember that
this numbness will pass as the trauma is processed. Be patient and
listen, listen and listen some more. In larger communities, there
are some support groups for family members of loved ones who have
suffered common traumas. These also may help.
The same things also are true when a parent suffers trauma. In addition,
adult children who are trying to be helpful may need to be particularly
sensitive to the parent's response to the role reversal. Keep in
mind that listening is crucial and being there for him can make
all the difference.
When a friend is traumatized, we may not have the time to provide
the support she needs. Here, it is helpful to talk with the friend's
family members and share what you have learned about helping those
with acute stress disorders. Frequent visits with a friend in person
and then by phone are more important than lengthy visits.
A co-worker suffering from acute stress disorders may be irritable
or withdrawn. For someone who seems on edge, be especially patient,
cut him some slack and ask what he would like you to do or how you
can work together on the complaints he makes. For someone who becomes
withdrawn, asking about the trauma can be important, but you may
need to limit the details he gives you about the event and focus
on his feelings and plans. This will keep you from crossing privacy
boundaries and risking later embarrassment.
© 2000 Ron Nathan, MD
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